The Last Two Days...Not my best. 8.21.22.

So strange. The first day after I had slashed my dosage in half, I was fine. A little nauseous in the morning sure, as it was with all the other dosage drops. The rest of the day played out fine. No headache, no increase of nausea, no chills..nada. Then Friday came, and I felt like I was back to square one. I felt like I did whenever I missed my full 600-mg dosage before I began this entire process.

My nausea was more than faint. It was VERY present. At one point, I had a gag reflex and felt like throwing up, but as I've always told people, with this kind of withdrawal you will never be granted the sweet release of actually vomiting, hence, lessening the nausea like you are when you've drank too much. I couldn't throw up, I simply had to endure it. That feeling you get when you are rocking back and forth on a boat that never ceases its movement. On a body of water that is forever swaying.

On top of that, my headache intensified. At 8 AM, I was ready to go home. But I toughed it out because one of my team members had some car trouble, so we were one man down at work, and I felt obligated to stay until she arrived, or until 2 pm, when I leave and work from home on Fridays. 2 pm. Sounded like a million lightyears away. I tried my best to ignore my symptoms and did my work. As best as I could. Symptoms waned a bit. Maybe I took two more Advils at that point, I can't really recall. Finally, 2 pm came, and I rushed home. (Had a virtual interview. Felt nauseous but shoved it aside and but my best face on.) Interview ended. Richard, my fiance, came home, like 5 minutes later. Told him I didn't feel like my authentic self during the interview. Probably because I had prepped for the interview the entire week and my answers were not spontaneous, but prepped.)

Ordered an acai bowl via DoorDash with extra Nutella and a Philly Cheese empanada which was kind of slimy and gross. Once it arrived, I dived in, trying to forget about my nausea and mounting headache and focus on the food. Whenever this happens to me, whenever I enter into withdrawal mode, I always feel the need to eat comfort food. Now, an Acai bowl is in no way, shape, or form "comfort food". It is cold, even icy at the base..and makes me..cold. But I had been craving one at work earlier so I told myself once I got home, I would order one. So, I did. It was good but not as satisfying as I had hoped. And the empanada. Bleck. And yet, I ate it anyway because I didn't want to waste food (and it was warm and I was hoping it'd get better with ever next bite..nope! plus..again, I wanted to push away the feeling of my withdrawal and focus on the food.) The rest of the day I spent laying down on the couch watching TV and Netflix. I was cold. I was nauseous. My head was pounding. I learned very quickly that with this new dosage of 300 mg at bedtime, I could not could not could not miss my usual medication time at 9 pm.

My bedtime routine usually consists of taking all my nighttime meds at approximately 9 pm (later if it is a weekend I want to stay up later--the Seroquel causes me to become sleepy), because I am typically in bed a little after 10 pm on weekdays. I took my meds somewhere between 9:10 and 9:30. BIG MISTAKE. I started feeling even more nauseous and my headache intensified. So, I got my ass up from the couch and went to take my medication to quiet the dragon. My fiance was right. I am like a Gremlin. I should come with instructions.

Of course, taking the pills didn't really alleviate the symptoms but they did make me sleepy. I think I went to bed around 11 pm that night. This was Friday, August 19th.

Next day, woke up a little after 8 am. Felt nauseous. Took Advil and my morning meds. Went into the living room to watch TV. Lay down with the blanket over me. Bleh. I got up several times to try to find something to eat for breakfast, but nothing appealed to me. I wanted comfort food and we had none. I thought I'd whip up some eggs and eat it with sourdough toast but alas we had no sourdough toast. Fiance began to work out in his DIY gym/former balcony. I very slowly nudged myself to get ready. We had an appointment at 11:15 am to see our very first wedding venue. (We are actually going to go with the venue. It was perfect and so inexpensive!) Also, had plans to show Richard the park I had chosen for our Engagement BBQ and then we were going to Palos Verdes to see Roessler Point, this place overlooking the water with a gazebo with 360 views where we considered having a very private ceremony.

Got ready. Finally left to go to the wedding venue. Loved it. Decided we'd have the reception there. Went to Country Hills Kwik Market and shared a deli sandwich, drinks, and snacks (well, snacks and candy for me lol) for the ride to Palos Verdes Estates which is about an hour and five minute drive from where we live. Also, the city my mom and dad built a multi-million-dollar mansion in the early 90s..my dad's dream house, but we lost when my dad lost his business. (Long story. Maybe I will tell it one day.)

Saw Roessler Point, got annoyed at the teenagers already there taking pictures of each other lol. Not their fault. But totally cramped our experience--while they were there anyway. They left shortly after and we looked at the peninsular...the beach, the waves crashing against the shore. It was gorgeous. The water was so blue. How could you not stop and steal a look? We decided, yes, we would have our wedding ceremony there but would only have our parents there at witnesses and whomever would be marrying us.

I was feeling alright, I suppose. We left and went to see the house my parents built. The current owners defaced the entire front side, adding ugly ass sand colored brick and windows that don't even match, a front door that is far too massive and clunky, and..::shudder:: hideousness. I mean, okay, it didn't look THAT bad, but it's so offensive! My parents had built a BEAUTIFUL Mediterranean style home, spending millions of dollars and someone comes along and throws brick and an obnoxious portico and a front door with black iron onto it?? Come on! Now, it looks like every other freakin' generic house on the block. And how am I supposed to buy back the house lookin' like that? Now, I will have to go in and change it all again. Idiots. So mad they ruined our house. SO MAD.

Anyhow, sorry, way off topic. As we were driving around, it was interesting to see how the neighborhood had changed over the years, but I was still feeling not too hot. Still nauseous, still had a headache. I didn't feel great. And yea, the headaches, the headaches were the worst of all. The sides of my head were pounding and Advil would not help. I had to endure this for the rest of the day and night. We stopped off at a diner on our way home. I had a Belgian waffle with strawberries. Delicious but then later became too sweet (and that's saying something coming from me).

After there was a big park I'd been wanting to visit for the longest time, so we stopped off there since it was on the way home and sat down on a bench to watch people fish, and ducks sticks their asses up in the air as they dove their heads into the water attempting to catch who knows what. It was nice and relaxing. Yes, my head was pounding but it was nice to be able to take a moment to breathe. I, of course, read Richard some of my writing as I felt inspired by the cool breeze wafting about and the warm sun breaking through the trees..the shadow of treetops on the soft grass, and the glittering water floating in the pond. And, as always, he said it was too complicated for him to understand. "Too much", his words precisely. So then, I recited a poem from memory that I had written in high school, thinking it was more his speed, and he'd get a kick out of it, and it is, til this day, one of my favorite poems I'd written. After he tells me, I talked to him like he was a five year old..and I could only gather that he was insulted. So, call me stumped. First, my writing is too complicated, and then, I'm patronizing him by reciting a poem that is too simple? Geez louise. I can't win with this guy. Whatever. Lol. Not even going to go down that road right now because I will only get incensed.

So, we finally got home and I spent the rest of the night finishing watching Echoes on Netflix on the couch, covered with a blanket, withdrawal symptoms as present as ever. I made sure to take my medication early enough--follow my own Gremlin instructions--make sure this Cinderella's carriage didn't turn into a pumpkin--and after the series was through, washed my face and went to bed.

we all need a little Netflix in our lives.

August 21. 11:28 am.

I have a very slight headache, not that nauseous. But maybe it's because I've been typing non-stop since I started writing this entry. I have a feeling symptoms will get worse as the day progresses. They usually intensify around early afternoon. But who knows. God willing, they won't and my body can continue to get used to this detoxification. I really, really, really need it to.