300. No, not the film. 8.18.22.

Funny story. Sorta.

The year after I graduated from UC Irvine, I moved to Athens, GA with my ex- so he could obtain his Master's in Forest Ecology, which, eventually, he did. Or so, Facebook says. Anyway.

He decided to download the movie 300 online because of all the talk of how it inaccurately portrayed Persians. (In ancient history, it was in fact the Greeks that conquered the Persians..not the other way around. So "Sparta?" Yea. Maybe doesn't deserve the cheering they received even as loudly as Gerard Butler hollered the name. Anyhow, The government or whomever caught onto him and fined him for downloading the film--ha! I don't know if he ever paid. I guess it was that or jail time hehe. Anyhoo, WAY off topic.)

I say "300" because last night I took my 300-mg bedtime (only daily dose) of Seroquel. I had a little snag because I woke up at about 3:37 am having to go pee. I lay back down and was like, "F**k. Now, it's going to be hard as hell to go back asleep. My mind panicked a bit and begun its cyclic cycle of anxiety. Eventually, I told myself to calm down, it isn't the medication because you've been taking 200 mg at bedtime for the past month and you've been fine. So, in other words, I was psyching myself out and was just thinking too much, causing me to stay awake. I was eventually able to calm my thoughts, think more relaxing or happy things and felt myself to grow sleepy. I also found myself yawning but caught myself because I remembered that yawning actually has a purpose of waking you up, and I did not want that at all...it was like 4:30 at this point or something when I finally began to fall back asleep. I made sure to adjust my first alarm to 6:21 instead of 6:05 to give myself more time. I snuggled under the covers and thought happy thoughts. Next thing I knew, my alarm went off at 6:21 and I was like, "Hallelujah, I made it through the rest of the night!" Hope that doesn't happen tonight though and I fall right back asleep if I have to get up and pee.

So, I got up, got ready, took the rest of my meds and two pills of Advil, grabbed my stuff and went out the door. Got to work. Totally awake. No 200 mg morning dose making me groggy! I was energetic and ready for action. Even my co-worker said I was more perky! Ha! Don't have 200 mg of Seroquel drowning me out! I felt totally fine. Mind was clear. Around 3:30 I began to feel a bit nauseous, maybe I was getting a bit nauseous throughout the day but didn't really notice because I was so busy and it was only when I sat down in front of my computer did I feel the nausea, or maybe the bedtime Seroquel was ever so slightly wearing away. I didn't experience any other withdrawal symptoms however and the nausea did not get worse. So, that wats a great thing. It is now 9:14 pm and still the nausea has not worsened nor have any other symptoms popped up.

So, I got up, got ready, took the rest of my meds and two pills of Advil, grabbed my stuff and went out the door. Got to work. Totally awake. No 200 mg morning dose making me groggy! I was energetic and ready for action. Even my co-worker said I was more perky! Ha! Don't have 200 mg of Seroquel drowning me out! I felt totally fine. Mind was clear. Around 3:30 I began to feel a bit nauseous, maybe I was getting a bit nauseous throughout the day but didn't really notice because I was so busy and it was only when I sat down in front of my computer did I feel the nausea, or maybe the bedtime Seroquel was ever so slightly wearing away. It's a great thing. It is now 9:14 pm and still the nausea has not worsened nor have any other symptoms popped up.

I'm trying to stay up later so I can sleep longer and feel more tired if I do happen to wake up in the middle of the night and will fall back asleep faster. Hoping that hack works.

I did, however, cry again at work today. It's all just getting to me. The health problems, the aging, the signs of aging, the losing of the hair, being able to pay for anything wedding-related, and saving up for a house but not having the money for any of that. I cried yesterday morning when I got to work in the bathroom. And today, when it was almost time for me to go, I cried on the balcony of the main breakroom. I feel like it's all too much. And I've been trying for three weeks now to get a therapist but no one wants to freakin' CALL ME BACK! I'm sorry, but isn't that their job?? To help a person in need? But no, they decide I'm just not important enough to concern themselves with, well, screw them for not caring. Shoot. Who knows what state I am in? Again, isn't that their JOB? And I've only been calling the ones I know are taking new patients and my insurance. I admit, I had one answering service pick up BUT that therapist never got back to me. I had a secretary call to tell me they're booked, and an actual therapist tell me to fill out an intake form. That was like maybe two week ago? I haven't heard back. So, thanks for NO HELP at all.

I am getting off the medication I have been on for almost 22 years and no one mental health professional f-in gives a crap except my current psychiatrist. Yes, getting off my Seroquel so far has been not so bad, but what about when it comes time to get off the Clonazepam and Lithium? Are they going to just leave me high and dry over that as well? Sheesh.

Rest assured, I haven't been emotional because of the tapering off of Seroquel. I know this because I went down from 600 to 400 and for a month, my moods did not change. I did not feel emotional like this. The emotions are surmounting because of the surmounting of my physical health issues. It might sound silly to you, but it's like, I feel too young to have all these issues, on TOP of my mental health condition, on TOP of what is already wrong with me. Can't a girl catch a break.

Ohp. Here comes the headache, and I feel kinda nauseous. I better wrap this up. It's 9:27 pm. Maybe that's when the carriage turns back into a pumpkin. Fuck. I lost my train of thought. I just need someone to talk to and I don't want to keep burdening my fiance with my issues. I'm finally understanding I've been unloading them onto him for the past fourteen and a half years. Like I told my best friend from college, my fiance is a very patient guy who loves me but I can't put it all on him. Trust me. He is amazing, but he is human, too. He helps me as much as I can. (I will talk more about that later but for now, I think it's time to get ready for bed before I attempt to throw up and nothing comes out. Ohp..I think I see the pumpkin.)